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I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.