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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.