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I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?