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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D