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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.