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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed