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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.