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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I like people the most when I`m by myself.