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I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)