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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.