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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.