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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.