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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.