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My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.