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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?