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Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
You can`t be late until you show up
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.