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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
Carfax but for people
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.