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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Iām simply on reserve for the one who deserves
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver