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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.