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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.