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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called βfun sizedβ should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
People in love use phrases like βtakes my breath awayβ and βswept me off my feetβ. I think theyβre confusing love with attempted murder.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like βtiny doll feet scampering into the closetβ because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson