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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!