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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.