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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.