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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"