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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.