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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.