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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.