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Vodka is just amazing water.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…