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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.