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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.