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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
My password is SupermanHulkThorGoku, that`s the strongest password I can think of.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps