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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
i like boobs
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.