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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."