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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.