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You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...