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"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come