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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.