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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.