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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.