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When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
It´s never to late to be happy
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
The future was so much cooler in the past.