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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Marriage is for quitters
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.