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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.