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I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."