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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.