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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.