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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.