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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything