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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers