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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
I try not to limit my madness to March.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?