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The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.