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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
is battling with eyelids
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.