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When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.