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Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t