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How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.