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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!