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Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Attention fuels immaturity
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?