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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.