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Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.